Inside my head

I've been reading an interesting book this week. It's called, 'Inside the Leader's head.' (1) I guess for a lot of people it probably doesn't do much but I found it helpful to be reminded about a few aspects of how we work together as people, and in particular as leaders.

The book looks at aspects of leadership that cause stress and anxiety. The main culprit is something called triangulation. Simply put that's where when two people have an issue with each other one or both of them involve a third person as a buffer or to take the pressure off or go into bat for them. It's a way of avoiding responsibility and transferring attention away from the person at the centre of the problem.

The book suggests there are two main approaches to dealing with triangulation. Differentiation is the ability to be self-aware, to understand when we are under stress and feeling anxious and to be able to take a step back from the situation and deal with it in a non-anxious, deliberate way. It is not being absorbed by the other, nor is it cutting the other off but it is finding the balance that hangs somewhere in between.

The second approach could be seen as the opposite to differentiation - attachment. It is the ability to trust and be trusted by the other. The book makes the point that attachment and differentiation are not polar opposites and that real health requires a balance of both. There's obviously much more to it all and I found it a helpful reminder that I have a responsibility to be aware of who I am, and what is going on in my head in stressful situations. It's a challenge, but not a bad one...

(1) Holeman, V.G., Martyn, S.L., Inside the Leader's Head: Unraveling Person Obstacles to Ministry, Abingdon Press, Nashville, 2008.